I Quit

After a short year and a half at my current company, today I am resigning.  I accepted an offer from a large medical carrier in Portland.  Honestly, I can't wait to be out of here.  The travel has been exhausting, both physically and emotionally.  My kids have had a hard time with mommy always leaving.  The times I have taken them with me have been great but the constant car rides to unknown destinations have taken it's toll on us all.  So today, I am resigning effective immediately... Because I have to.  The offer I accepted is from a competing company and because of this, I am unable to give any proper notice and have to leave right away.  I've known about the offer for about a week but knowing that I would be walked out as soon as I gave notice, I wanted to have a few days to tie up loose ends to work my desk to make sure I am not landing anyone with my meetings and my projects.  

I am relieved.  Or I will be in a few minutes when I make that phone call.  I even get a few days at home in transition and I can't tell you how much they are needed.  I have worked my butt off for this company and unfortunately, they haven't reciprocated for me.  This new opportunity will be perfect for me; I will be in a higher position with less travel and they have offices all over the NW so if I ever get to move to Seattle, I can still transfer over without changing companies again.  I believe this is all a good move for me, and I can't wait to get started - after my mini at-home vacation!  

So here goes nothing.  Better make that call.  Wish me luck!

Could I finally be on the right path?

I can't tell you how many times I have come on and off the dieting wagon.  Over the years I have never stuck to anything longer than a week - I wish I was kidding, but that's not even an exaggeration.  I am weak willed despite being the most stubborn person I know.  

I am finding it easier and easier to eat well and eat clean.  Whereas before I used to crave and beg for cheese, cream, milk, chocolate, butter, and all things carbs and starch, now I have no desire or need for them.  I still crave salt and I've always been a salt person, but I no longer have an overwhelming craving for anything calorie laden.  I find myself seeking fresh salads and snacks.  I adjusted my portions with ease and just, well... I got smart.  I don't really know why or how, I'm just doing it and I can't stop.  Is it true that one day you just wake up and reprogram your brain?  And that's it, there's no going back?  I've heard all kinds of success stories of this nature.  People saying "you know what, one day I just decided enough is enough"... did I do that?  Is that what's happening to me?

My jeans are looser and I can tighten my belt a couple notches tighter and that is fantastic, but you know what the very best part is?  I feel phenomenal.  I feel energized, awake, bubbly, in good spirits.  I feel refreshed and renewed and motivated.  I walked into a Starbucks this morning and I ordered a grande iced americano with no room.  If you know me, then you know this is huge.  Massive.  Unbelievable.  The same Emma who used to basically live at Starbucks and have a latte on tap is no longer interested in the heavy latte.  I know it will only slow me down. 

I genuinely don't know what has happened to make me flip my switch.  Maybe I finally did get sick of myself.  Maybe my brain finally clicked into gear and said "let's do this!".  My only wish is that this would have happened sooner!

The road to fitness is paved with sweat.

Like most people in the world, I work a full-time job.  Because of said full-time occupation, I feel it leaves little time for all the things I really want to do outside of work.  One of those things is working out.... Going to the gym, going for walks, or even playing in the yard with my kids.  For a long time I put off my health with excuses of how tired I was after getting home from work.  Or how tonight my favorite show is on so I really need to watch that.  Or maybe tonight was a rest night... Much like every other night.  Over the past two years, I have started feeling a little... guilty.  I've felt hyper aware of my size, my "curves", my heavy breathing when I do something strenuous.  Most of all, I've noticed more and more how lazy I have become.  A simple task like tying shoe laces becomes a chore when you have a good 20lbs of cleavage in your way every time you bend down.  I wish that were the only problem.... If I were a svelte little thing with 20lbs of cleavage I don't think I'd have much to complain about, would I?  Unfortunately, my extra poundage is lovingly shared around the rest of my body.  Particularly in the baby-bearing areas and the arms.  I quite like my lower half so we'll leave that alone for now. Anyway, I've slowly started to notice how unfit I am, and how unwilling I have become to do every day things.  Carry all the groceries in from the house?  Oh no, I'll get all sweaty hauling all that.  Hiking you say?  I'd tell you I'm not big on nature.  Every excuse you can think of, I have it ready to go.  I seem to have a Rolodex of prepared answers as to why I can't do your suggested activity.  Most of the time, it's genuinely because I just don't feel like it.  Because I know it'll make me all sweaty and my hair will get damp and poof out and well, I just don't wanna. 

Guess where all that got me?  

I'll give you a hint.  It starts with an F and ends with a T.  While I wish I was the PHat type of fat, unfortunately I am just your standard, every day Fat.  Oh I could blame my kids for stretching out my stomach but that's only about 30% of the problem and the rest of it is simply a result of being careless with my body.  No exercise and heavy helpings of comfort food all add up in the end.  See, you just make these excuses for yourself, followed by promises like... "next month I'll start fresh and eat better", or "I'm still pretty young so I don't need to worry about it right now", or "I'm already married and my husband loves me, no need to change".  All are pretty sad stories to tell yourself at night, but I've been doing it for years.  

So what's changed?  The answer is that lots of things have changed.  While we used to live in a world where McDonalds was a weekend treat, and late night ice cream trips were a fun activity, it's not that world anymore.  Now everywhere I turn I see people around me wising up and realizing that it's not cool to be fat.  They are publicly announcing what I have known and kept silent about for years; it's not healthy to be heavy.  I'm all for "curvy girls" but that's a pretty narrow window and we have a lot of woman telling themselves they're curvy when we all know full well we're bordering on obese.  I have friends that have completely changed their lifestyle; losing endless pounds through a very scientific process called "diet & exercise".  The more I saw all this health and fitness stuff take off, the more I felt it couldn't be ignored, and that's when my guilt started following my gut.  I don't just want to be skinny or slender or sexy.  I have seen the light of good health, longevity and stamina.  To tell you the truth, I just got sick of feeling... well... sick.  While I do work that dreaded full-time job, I certainly don't work a physically demanding job so why do I feel so run down all the time?  Could it be... could it really be... all that crap I'm feeding myself?  YES... Hello, Emma.  You've finally seen the light.  Welcome back to reality. 

So what am I doing about it?

Well I turned 30 and I freaked out internally.  I'm actually still freaking out but don't tell anyone, okay?  Turning 30 was my hallelujah moment.  It was me telling myself "you've wasted your 20's being a lard, if you don't change now, you'll spend your 30's in the same misery".  Doesn't sound overly appealing.  So I ordered this nifty little protein shake that I can hardly afford and I started drinking it every morning.  It's no magic pill and it won't miraculously dissolve fat from my ass, but it has given me a good energy boost in the mornings which in turn has gotten my brain to tell me to get on the treadmill.  It's been a month of clean eating and consistently getting on the treadmill and I can't tell you how much better I feel.  Honestly I don't think I've even lost any weight, but I feel incredible compared to a month ago.  I've set my diet to raw, fresh, local, and organic produce with additions of lean white meats, nuts, and grains. I've completely eliminated my 1-2 lattes a day from Starbucks and replaced all beverages with ice cold water and I feel like a renewed person - It's amazing how much better you feel when you actually take in some H20 and are properly hydrated.  Of course the downside to this, if it really is one, is frequent trips to the ladies room to pee.  

Something in my brain has clicked now and it's not clicking back.  While I know I'll never be a size 2 or 4, maybe not even a 6, I am completely comfortable and confident in the knowledge that no matter what happens with the scale over the next year or two, I'll be feeling wonderful and I can finally stop making excuses.  Yes, I do hike.  Yes, I can run.  It may take me 18 minutes to get through a mile but dammit, I am running my mile and that's all I care about.  

I will do this.  I will be a healthy mom who can chase my children without being breathless.  I will be the mom who can swing on the monkey bars alongside them at the park, and pick them up with ease.  I will not allow myself to sit and suffer while I have the option to get up and run.  I'm sick of feeling sick and I'm loving being well.  I know I will do this, because there's nothing on this earth that I want more. 

  

Intro

I've started and neglected so many blogs over the years.  I had a livejournal for a long time that I updated regularly but even that has fallen by the wayside.  It's odd because I always find myself seeking an outlet for my thoughts or somewhere to purge the feelings that I feel can't be said outloud, and yet I never think to write it out anymore.  Writing on a piece of paper seems useless since no one else will read it but I do miss having my old paper journal and my favorite writing pen.  For now, I will come back to blogging when I can and when I feel the need. 

I'll introduce myself; I'm Emma.  I'm 30 years old and live in Portland, Oregon.  I reside with my 2 children; one boy who is 3, and one girl who is almost 8.  I am also married to a man I've known since I was a young lass.  We've been together for 7 years and married for a little over 3.  I have many friends, but only a couple of close ones.  I have a career... I think.  I'm an insurance consultant and that is a pretty vague description of the amount of things I actually do.  I work for a big corporate insurance company that I both love and hate, depending on the day. My work requires a fair amount of travel around the Northwest and you'll hear me complain about that here and there, particular;y toward the end of the year when it's insurance pandemonium.  I also have a dog.  Her name is Bailey and she's a bit of a special case.  More about that later. 

For now, here we are.  I am sitting in my bed with my laptop placed where it was intended; on my lap.  I have my 3 year old stirring in between myself and the husband, and my almost-8 year old laying at my feet.  Good thing I have a king sized bed.  Welcome to my life.  :)